The Troubling World of Reddit: “Am I the asshole for enforcing my boundaries?”
I’m pretty late to the party, but I recently made a Reddit account and have been reading through the “Am I the Asshole” (AITA) thread. For anyone who isn’t familiar with this, people can post about conflicts they have countered and can ask other users if they are in the wrong in the situation. It allows people to get an opinion from someone outside of their own family and social circle, which means that the Reddit opinion is presumably more objective.
Reddit is well-known for being very harsh or extreme in their judgments and advice. But given the complete lack of common decency displayed in the interactions that are brought forth to this thread for judgment, I honestly think the strong reactions are warranted.
Again, for anyone that isn’t familiar with this part of Reddit, there are a good deal of posts that follow this rough format:
The original poster explains a situation in which another person is speaking with or treating OP in a way that makes OP uncomfortable. Often, OP explains that they have already spoken to the other person about this. Perhaps the other person is immediately mad and enters an argument with OP about telling them what to do. Perhaps the other person initially agrees and then promptly forgets this at another instance, during which OP calls them out immediately. The other person becomes defensive and angry, and it then devolves into an argument.
And this happens in many circumstances and many contexts. I hesitate to include specific examples, but here is a general one. One instance that might show up on the AITA threat is when the other person asks personal questions about sex or sexuality, which reasonably could make many people uncomfortable. OP will refuse to answer or call the person out, which ends in a conflict. Then OP will come to Reddit, feeling guilty about asking someone to respect their boundaries.
Every time I see a post that is essentially like this, I am genuinely baffled at the entitlement displayed by the other person. Following my example, we can all agree that sex can be a largely sensitive or personal topic. Perhaps many of us speak more freely with loved ones about personal topics, because we feel comfortable with them and already know that this is an acceptable topic of conversation with them. Most of us have the competence to realize that other people we may not know will likely not want to discuss person topics with us, right? And us competent people respect that, right? Because we know we are not entitled to anyone’s life and personal information, right? Right??
Well apparently, there are fewer competent people in the world than I previously thought. Because there are many, many, many posts like this. They cover a variety of topics: wanting common courtesy from bad roommates, wanting invasive parents or in-laws to back off, wanting partners to treat them better or stop taking advantage of them, confronting ignorant people about hateful comments or behaviors directed towards them, expecting some amount of privacy and respect from various relationships, etc., etc., other reasonable requests.
Reddit will largely support these posters, arguing that they deserve to be treated with human decency in their relationships. But why are we even still arguing this? Why do we need to get approval from strangers on the internet to feel that we have the right to our own body, the right to our own spaces, the right to decide what we are comfortable with in our own relationships and how we wish to be treated.
Why do other people feel comfortable ignoring our boundaries? Generally our society favors keeping the peace over everything else. This is how toxic (yes, I do believe that ignoring someone’s boundaries is toxic and a subtle form of abuse) people continue to act as in toxic ways. In some posts, after OP has been ignored and has finally called the other person out, OP is the one who is made to feel bad for it. Observers in the situation will tell them, “Yeah, that guy’s a dick, but that’s just how they are. You should have just let it go.” They would rather suck it up than confront someone directly and create conflict — and abusers know this. They assume that our boundaries are flexible and know that they can ignore them because no one will speak up.
This sort of entitlement is dangerous, as it completely disregards the idea of treating people with respect, asking for consent or permission, taking their limits seriously.
I do think that our society is moving to remedy this. More and more parents teach young children about consent, about bodily autonomy (even with pushy loved ones), about rights to safety and privacy, about being treated with respect.
I can’t even tell how often I’ve used that phrase — “treated with respect”. Probably too many at this point. But it’s necessary because we must keep pushing these standards. We must teach people to stand up for themselves, even when it is uncomfortable.
Perhaps some of you reading will say that there are many posts on AITA where OP is in the wrong, or that the posts are exaggerated and biased, or that they are fake. I agree that all of that could be true in different instances. Even with that, scrolling through AITA has reminded me that there are many toxic people out there, actively hurting someone who does not know better, someone who does not think they deserve better treatment.
This is a problem. We as a society have failed these people. We are all responsible for any damage caused by an abuser because we have fostered an environment where toxic behavior like this is down-played. Now we all need to step up and make this toxic behavior unacceptable. I think this Reddit thread is serving this purpose in one small way. In many of the applicable posts I have seen, if OP’s expectations are reasonable, the Reddit community will take OP’s side and tear the other person apart, which is very reassuring to see. Now hopefully this carries into everyday life as well — hopefully, more and more people approach their interactions with other people thoughtfully and respectfully. When we all make this the standard for our relationships, we’ll be part of an overall better society.
